


now you know where to find me when i'm gone

by tertaytawan



Category: Taynew
Genre: I don't know what I'm doing, I love them so much, Idiots in Love, M/M, asdgfd, i don't usually write fictions lol, taynew are idiots, tertaytawan on twitter, this is my first ever try in writing fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-10 12:39:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17426075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tertaytawan/pseuds/tertaytawan
Summary: taynew are told by their managers to tell the public that they are just friends. when what they have is so much more. tay lost. or more like, he wanted his time alone and just think. new disappointed him. he needed to cool down. he turned off his phone. he left the gmm building when new was in the toilet. he didn't wanna see his face yet. not when he was still disappointed. new felt like half of his world is crumbling down.





	now you know where to find me when i'm gone

FRIDAY 23:05

tay went missing. new really had no clue where he had gone. he tweeted a shout out on twitter, asking if anyone had seen tay. the fans overjoyed, their friends amused, another hashtag trended and memes were flooding. but they didn't know that new almost screamed, inside a busy starbucks, at the thoughts that he would never find him again. after countless unanswered texts and a dozen of wasted calls, new concluded that technology is just fucking useless.

he grabbed his bag and went straight to the parking lot, he thought tay might be home. he needed to reach home soon. he really needed to reach home soon.

his ride back home was quiet, nothing close to what he had when tay occupied the passenger seat; tay is a loud and chatty mess sometimes new had to tell him to shut up (that aside, he has his own ways in shutting him up). but, no matter how much he cherished solitude, he still preferred having that human version of a broken radio beside him to this silent and lonely drive home. 

but, tay wasn't home. 

new kicked his bedroom door, grabbed a handful of his hair and heaved out a loud frustrating sigh.

"goddamn useless," he threw his phone on the floor and his body on his unmade bed. he screamed at his pillow, "damn tay, where the fuck are you?" 

next thing he knew, his pillows were scattered on the floor, his front body hot and pressed on his mattress, his palms curled into fists, hitting the headboard. he recalled what happened at the coffee shop inside the office building and he gave in, he let a shed of tear roll off his cheek. 

"i'm sorry, i shouldn't have said that." 

 

FRIDAY 23:28

"just chill, tay, it's just work and you know that, right? it's not like you wanted the world to know we are more than friends anyway."

it's not like i wanted the world to know we are more than friends anyway? 

tay wished those words would have stopped ringing because they hurt. the image of new saying those exact same words while his eyes were glued on his phone kept flashing right in front of his eyes. he tried to close his eyes to avoid it, but it kept playing inside his mind instead. bright. clear. and painful. 

his hair was down, his face covered with a black mask, he stepped outside the sky train and thanked the universe for not letting anyone recognise him while he was en route. 

for the last thirty minutes, tay had been walking and getting on and off a number of bts tubes. he wasn't sure he knew where he would head to, but he was sure that he needed to walk away from that office building and to stop himself from seeing new. he wanted to cool himself down.

he knew he wasn't being himself at times like this. especially, when new was involved. more specifically, when new was the cause of his disappointment. tay knew that it was so selfish of him to blame all of this on the younger boy. but sometimes, life happens to you and you don't have enough time to know how to respond. so instead of guarding your emotions, you let them take over your brain. so instead of a response that you wish for, it was a reaction that came out. 

tay thought, he should call new. he should let him know that he was safe and just needed an alone time. but he turned his phone off and was too afraid of what's ahead of him if he turned it back on. so, he proceeded with his walk.

he didn't really pay attention to where he walk and ended up in front of a park he used to visit that had closed three hours prior. he sighed. he sat down on an empty chair in a bus stop shelter in front of the closed park and realised how he had spent his last hour sighing and sighing.

putting his head on the top rail of the chair and trying to relax himself, his mind wandered back to what happened inside his office building.

"alright, so, to avoid misunderstandings from the public, if you two were to be interviewed about your relationship, it would be a lot better to answer that you are just friends. before you ask why, because it's a lot easier to handle. i know it's none of our business to meddle with whatever it is that's going on between you two, but you still need to take cautions that we are in a business. and the public is our beloved customers and we don't want to disappoint them. not everyone is as open-minded as we are here, or as accepting as your fans and friends, so, let's all agree with just this," their manager explained. 

tay remained silent. 

"okay," new agreed. 

that wasn't the first time that they were told to do this. tay had never objected to anything the company ordered him to do before. but now, he had come to a point where all of that was just becoming so frustrating. 

would the public's reaction really gonna be that bad? or is it just the company's enclosed internal fears that they are afraid to admit?

tay sighed. again. 

but, what disappointed him more was what entailed that short meeting; his conversation with new at the coffee shop.

"don't you just get tired of it, hin?" tay said as he pulled out a chair and sat down.

"personally? yes. but, we aren't supposed to take this personally, are we? it's called being professional, tay. you taught me this," the boy stated it as a matter of fact.

"i know, but when is the public gonna learn about this? sometimes, i feel bad for playing a role where i kiss boys but then i go around saying that i am not gonna do that in real life and the worst? that you, hin, are just a friend to me"

there was a pregnant silence on the table, new didn't respond to that. he started to reach for his phone. something that had started to get on tay's nerves lately.

"hin, i love it better when you're actually here with me and not there on the virtual world, just for now? please?"

"come on, tay, are you angry? when is the public gonna learn? i don't know, tay. i don't know when they will learn. i am tired of it too, but can we do anything about it? no. i am just trying to be logical here, and you are making it very hard for me to do so," 

"i mean, i get where we are coming from and all, but for once, maybe, i wish they would control us less, and just let us say what's on our mind," tay said, his fingers playing with the cup of coffee that had turned cool. 

"just chill, tay, it's just work and you know that, right? it's not like you wanted the world to know we are more than friends anyway," new said as he got up to find the restroom.

that was it. tay was silenced and decided to leave the building.

 

SATURDAY 02:20

 

new woke up to the sound of his phone vibrating against the cold wooden floor on his bedroom.

"oh, shit," he got up and checked himself on the mirror and realised how his eyes were swollen. he remembered he had cried himself to sleep. goddamn taynew and their goddamn arguments, he referred.

he checked his phone and noticed several missed calls from some friends, asking if he and tay would want to join them for their usual friday night outs, to which new politely declined but promised to make it up for another time. but still no replies nor calls from the wanted man himself. 

new trusted tay. he believed tay wouldn't dare to do anything stupid but still, he wished tay would have let him know where he was.

new washed his face and took a deep breath. he told himself to take it easy, he assured himself maybe tay wanted some time alone. after all, he wasn't really being his usual self earlier yesterday. 

new grabbed his key and started to drive to where he thought tay would be. 

 

SATURDAY 02:30

walking along the quieter part of bangkok has somewhat calmed down his mind. tay studied the row of similar blocks of houses, the streets were dimly lit by the little lamp streets that illuminated the pathway, some tuktuks and taxis parked alongside its pedestrian roads. it's funny how he had never taken new there before but somehow, the streets hummed a familiar sound and took him back to some nights where he and new would impulsively walked around some random unknown streets just to grab something to munch or to drink. sometimes, he wondered if his life would be better off without new. but that thought alone scared him to death. 

he walked along the street to catch a taxi to where he intended to be. once he got in, he dared himself to admit how childish he had been for running away from new like that. he exhaled a long breath and turned on his phone.

he should call him. 

but both his numbers were unreachable. his heart raced twice faster. 

 

SATURDAY 03.03

"so the rumours are true, huh?" 

tay's whole body jerked and turned around, his eyes found new's as he smiled sheepishly, "what rumours?"

"rumours that newwiee is dating a whole fucking idiot," new smacked his shoulder as he sat next to him, pressing their sides as close as possible. he wanted tay's warmth to emanate from his body, he wanted to consume all of it. yes, that's what he wanted.

"how did you know i'm here? i tried to call you but your phones are off, i suppose," tay said, looking down at his feet as he pulled a thread from his long sleeved pull over. 

"i don't know, maybe it's the soulmate thing," new teased tay a lot and he loved how tay would turn his face away as his lips pressed together and formed a shy, hesitant smile. 

"seriously, though."  
"okay, okay, mr. oh-so-serious. i just remembered you wanted to camp out across Wat Arun to see its beauty once the sun rises, so, here i am. and my guts are usually correct. now, do you wanna talk? or are you still angry?"

 

SATURDAY 03.30

tay took some time to breathe and situated his body to face the boy beside him, to finally look at new. he took time to indulge what he saw in front of him. new was covered in a black pull over jumper, which was obviously tay's. he probably grabbed whatever that's within reach. but god, he looked so good in it. his eyes were damp; sorrow and worry illuminated from them. it punched tay right in his chest. it was all his fault, right? he was the one who took the light out of those beautiful eyes. 

so he started, "i'm sorry. i know sorry is not gonna be enough. but i admit what i did was wrong. i was upset because of the company's restrictions against us. but i shouldn't have taken it all out on you. i'm really sorry, hin. i was so childish, i wasn't on my best self yesterday. i shouldn't have left you without any notifications whatsoever," tay paused to look at the man in front of him. he wasn't sure if he said what needed to be said, he couldn't even recall what he had just said. he was just pouring out whatever that's on his mind and heart. 

tay could see how new composed himself to reply, but new hugged him, and that took him by surprise, "hey, i'm sorry too. first thing first, you don't need to feel sorry for your emotions. you shouldn't be sorry for being upset. in fact, i'm glad that you let it all out yesterday. it was usually me who poured everything out, i whine at you all the time, and you always manage to calm me down. how i handled your questions yesterday was really unfair. i shouldn't have said that. i never really asked if you want all the world to know yet there i was, rubber-stamping everything. i wanted to respect our manager's decision, but i didn't realise that by doing so, i would also hurt your feelings. but i also was just trying to be as logical as possible, you know i love you, right? and we are all adults in this, i was just calculating the possible outcomes. you know, you've always said that love is never enough. and i agree. so yesterday, i was just trying to make it make sense. so, i'm so sorry, tay."

"hin, how are you so good with words now?"  
"damn, tay, you are impossible," new said as he playfully slapped tay's back. but soon, the slaps turned to soft caresses, "you know i am only like this when i'm with you, nerd."

tay smiled, "i feel special now."  
"taaaaaaaay, stop being a jerk." new let go of the hug forcefully, tay laughed at it.  
"hin, you know what?"  
"what?"  
"i like you."  
"bastard!"  
"you've been cursing all the time."  
"maybe you need to shut up."

tay did shut up. new made him so.

 

SATURDAY 05.05

 

they sat there watching the sky turned purple. the birds came chirping in and the morning winds started to get warmer as the sun was slowly rising. tay got his camera ready. in fact, tay had taken a number of shots of new. new's light complexion in total contrast to the black pull over jumper. beautiful is such an understatement to describe the man that fate had trusted him with.

"do you mind if i post it?" tay asked while they were looking at new's shots.  
"i do. i don't want this to be up online. i want it to be printed, framed, and put on our wall. only us can see this."  
"the sentiment, though. and you said you're trying to be logical..."  
tay zipped his lips as soon as he saw new's glare. 

"at least, now i know where to find you when you're gone."  
"yeah, you know where to find me when i'm gone." tay said with a smile, to which new replied with an intentional stomp on his left foot. 

 

SATURDAY 07.00

tawan_v posted a new photo.  
"the temple of dawn. you know where to find me when i'm gone. but you won't need to find me, because i'll never leave anymore."


End file.
